PS. I Blocked You
12:40Fun New Ways to Annoy People on Social Media this Valentine's Day
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| Credit: Ian Ball |
As a rational human being, I don't have strong feelings about Valentine's Day. However, even I can appreciate the most wonderful part of this holiday: annoying the people who really hate it through the use of social media. Here are some creative ways to poke fun of V-Day and the people who are disproportionately angered by it, while still subtly reminding everyone that you are loved because if your friends and acquaintances don't know it then what's even the point?
Include receipts in photos of the flowers your partner bought you
Include receipts in photos of the flowers your partner bought you
You can repeat the mantra "it's the thought that counts" until you're violet-blue in the face but we all know the truth: in this modern, money-driven world no one gives a shit about anything unless it can be financially qualified. There are not enough filters in the world to make that undersized bouquet of scraggy roses look impressive, so how are people going to know that Sainsbury's charged £20 for it? Because you've stapled the receipt to the plastic packaging and zoomed in on it, that's how. Piss off the haters by letting them know that your partner loves you enough to overpay for you, but not quite enough to go the whole hog and order an Interflora because Jesus Christ, £45 for a dozen roses, were they blessed by the fucking Pope or something?
Share your romantic messages online
Valentine's Day is a great excuse to show your partner how much you appreciate and value them. Love notes can be emotional, intimate and deeply personal, so naturally there's no better place for them than your public social media feed. Instagraming a screenshot of a cute text or posting a couple selfie to Facebook are tried-and-tested classics when it comes to getting under the skin of V-Day haters, but to get those eye-rolls so hard that they hurt a bit you need to go one step further. You do this by posting photos of your card. Nothing says, "Someone loves me, fuck you," like showing the world that they parted with cash to write your message of love on something that will end up in the recycling within a week.
Tweet about watching a romantic film that ends in tragedy
This one is easy. Throw out a "Watching 'Romeo & Juliet' with the girl to celebrate #ValentinesDay2016" or "Being romantic and watching 'Titanic' with @mybae93 – we are SO Jack and Rose! #Valentines" and wait with bated breath. Within minutes your mentions will be full of self-appointed English scholars who think you don't know that Romeo and Juliet killed themselves, or people with hearts as cold as the Atlantic Ocean pointing out that being like Jack and Rose means that, ultimately, if one of you froze to death the other would probably just carry on with their life.
Make actual food porn
This double-whammy of social media rage is guaranteed to cause grumpiness. There's a big overlap between people who hate the most romantic day of the year and people who hate photographs of food, so play to this intersection's limbic centres with a well-timed food-and-romance combo. Now, unless you're a Tumblr user you can't post actual porn. Fortunately, a photo of you feeding your partner a bite of the romantic meal you cooked for them, or the acceptable meal that you bought at Prezzo that cost about three times more than it will tomorrow, will hit the haters in the gag reflex just as effectively as any home video ever could.
Loving thy neighbour and mildly irritating our fellow man have been the foundations of western society for centuries, and the internet has given us more means to accomplish this than our ancestors could ever have dreamed of. With a bit of simple online fun, we can remind ourselves who the real winner is this Valentine's Day: capitalism.
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