Ho-Ho-No: The Best and Worst of Christmas Music
21:27
I am, as you all know, a woman of impeccable taste and culture. Having said that, I love Christmas music and I'm not remotely ashamed of that fact. Nothing brightens the dark December walk to work when the sun seems as reluctant to get up as I am like a festive tune. Like many people, I have an entire playlist's worth of music specifically designed to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year and I thought it would be nice to share some of my favourite Christmas songs. However, I've also included some songs that I don't like. This is partly because you all seem to like my writing more when I'm being horrible about things or people, but mostly because since I published a list of things I hate about Love Actually no one has tried to make me watch it, and if I never hear some of these songs again it will be too soon.
The Best
The Best
'In Dulci Jubilo', Mike Oldfield
This song is festivity. This song is joy. This song is everything. This song makes me want to dress up as an elf and skip around my house, throwing tinsel. This song is the best Christmas song. Anyone who disagrees is unwelcome here.
'Little Saint Nick', The Beach Boys
The Beach Boys are great, but most of their big hits are fun and summery, bringing to mind, well, beaches. How can such a band create a good Christmas song, you ask? Turns out simply adding some tinkly bells to their usual sound works rather well. 'Little Saint Nick' is basically regular Beach Boys with added Christmas – Beach Boys Plus, if you will. What's not to like?
'Fairytale of New York', The Pogues and Kirsty McColl
I know this is a lot of people's first choice for a Christmas song, and if there's a singalong to 'Fairytale of New York' I will join in with gusto (aside from when Kirsty uses a homophobic slur in the second verse, at which point I awkwardly fall silent and take a large swig of mulled wine). The thing that stops it from being my favourite is the intro, which sounds like a drunk uncle who was only invited to the party out of politeness and now he's managed to get hold of a microphone and he won't stop singing and everyone is just staring intently into their glasses, desperately avoiding eye contact with the people around them in case they burst out laughing and offend the host.
'Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord', Boney M
Of course I love Boney M. Did you really think that someone who liveblogs the Eurovision Song Contest would leave Boney M off the list? It's upbeat and cheesy and tacky, which is exactly what I want from this genre of music. I particularly enjoy how they managed to cram two songs into this festive hit, a perfect combination of German efficiency and Christmas cheer.
'Little Drummer Boy', Bing Crosby
I actually find this one quite boring as a song, but the game of replacing every instance of 'rum pum pum pum' with 'up in my bum' entertains me enough that it's earned a spot on the list.
'Fairytale of New York', The Pogues and Kirsty McColl
I know this is a lot of people's first choice for a Christmas song, and if there's a singalong to 'Fairytale of New York' I will join in with gusto (aside from when Kirsty uses a homophobic slur in the second verse, at which point I awkwardly fall silent and take a large swig of mulled wine). The thing that stops it from being my favourite is the intro, which sounds like a drunk uncle who was only invited to the party out of politeness and now he's managed to get hold of a microphone and he won't stop singing and everyone is just staring intently into their glasses, desperately avoiding eye contact with the people around them in case they burst out laughing and offend the host.
'Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord', Boney M
Of course I love Boney M. Did you really think that someone who liveblogs the Eurovision Song Contest would leave Boney M off the list? It's upbeat and cheesy and tacky, which is exactly what I want from this genre of music. I particularly enjoy how they managed to cram two songs into this festive hit, a perfect combination of German efficiency and Christmas cheer.
'Little Drummer Boy', Bing Crosby
I actually find this one quite boring as a song, but the game of replacing every instance of 'rum pum pum pum' with 'up in my bum' entertains me enough that it's earned a spot on the list.
The Worst
'All I Want for Christmas is You', Mariah Carey
Yeah, this is upbeat and catchy and I know a lot of people love it, but the lyrics unsettle me, and not just because of the cliché sentiment. Why have we always assumed that the object of Mariah's affections is receptive to them in this song? If this person loved her they probably would have chosen to spend Christmas with her, but clearly they have not. There must be a reason for this. I now realise that what originally seemed to be a slightly irritating but ultimately harmless song about love during the festive period is actually a jilted stalker's desperate plea for Saint Nick to kidnap someone on her behalf. "Santa won't you bring me the one I really need?" Yeah, Santa, bung him in your sack and bring him to my home. The basement has been soundproofed. I've sharpened all the knives in case we have to start cutting off fingers.
As a side note, I don't know who Mariah Carey thinks she's kidding but she would have the mother of all tantrums if her significant other didn't get her any Christmas presents. We all know it. Nice try, Mariah.
'Happy Xmas (War is Over)', John Lennon and Yoko Ono
This is a classic case of good idea, bad execution. I like the idea of a song about peace during a holiday that is supposed to focus on peace. I even quite like the tune in places. What I do not like is Yoko Ono screeching the words 'a very merry Christmas' tunelessly anywhere where I am likely to be able to hear it. This does not inspire peace or goodwill in me; in fact, it makes me feel a little bit violent.
'The Twelve Days of Christmas', traditional English
I only recently stopped to imagine what it would be like to actually receive the gifts in this song, and I can only conclude that the singer's true love hates them and wants them to suffer. We all know what waterfowl are like. They are the most vicious of birds. This hapless gift recipient is going to be cooped up in a house with seven swans a-hissing and six geese a-biting before the eighth day is through. I am also deeply concerned by the number of people True Love has in their possession to give as gifts. Maids a-milking, lords a-leaping, ladies dancing…sounds to me like True Love is running a human trafficking ring. Those gold rings were bought with blood money.
'Happy Xmas (War is Over)', John Lennon and Yoko Ono
This is a classic case of good idea, bad execution. I like the idea of a song about peace during a holiday that is supposed to focus on peace. I even quite like the tune in places. What I do not like is Yoko Ono screeching the words 'a very merry Christmas' tunelessly anywhere where I am likely to be able to hear it. This does not inspire peace or goodwill in me; in fact, it makes me feel a little bit violent.
'The Twelve Days of Christmas', traditional English
I only recently stopped to imagine what it would be like to actually receive the gifts in this song, and I can only conclude that the singer's true love hates them and wants them to suffer. We all know what waterfowl are like. They are the most vicious of birds. This hapless gift recipient is going to be cooped up in a house with seven swans a-hissing and six geese a-biting before the eighth day is through. I am also deeply concerned by the number of people True Love has in their possession to give as gifts. Maids a-milking, lords a-leaping, ladies dancing…sounds to me like True Love is running a human trafficking ring. Those gold rings were bought with blood money.
'Mistletoe and Wine', Cliff Richard
Really, though, does anyone like this song? Why does it exist? If there's a musical equivalent of taking a book out of print then we should do that with it. That's all I really have to say about this one. I'm not even going to bother explaining what I think is wrong with it because it's everything.
Really, though, does anyone like this song? Why does it exist? If there's a musical equivalent of taking a book out of print then we should do that with it. That's all I really have to say about this one. I'm not even going to bother explaining what I think is wrong with it because it's everything.
'When Christmas Comes Around', Matt Terry
When I learned that this year's X Factor winner would be releasing a song written by Ed Sheeran I assumed that I had accidentally ingested powerful hallucinogens and was experiencing my own personal vision of Hell. For research purposes I just sat through as much of it as I could stand (just over two minutes) and it was as bad as I expected: melodically tedious, vocally uninspiring, lyrically insipid, and cloyingly sentimental. I feel confident that I'll never hate anything Christmas-related as much as I hated that, except possibly Love Actually.
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