Presidential Candidates No More Ridiculous Than Donald Trump
12:43
Today, 8 November 2016, citizens of the United States of America go to the polls and vote for their new president. This person will represent them on the world stage, command their 990,000-strong army, and influence the legislation of Congress and the Senate for the next four years. Americans have the choice between a highly experienced former senator and Secretary of State, a former state governor and most successful minor candidate in the 2012 election, a Harvard graduate with a strong environmental platform and a science background, and Donald Trump.
I'm not going to waste your time telling you why I think Donald Trump is a terrible presidential candidate. Plenty of other people have already addressed the problems of his bigotry, his apparent lack of legislative vision, and the potential damage the few policies he seems to have could wreak on the American economy. I'm also not American, and therefore not hugely qualified to comment on his plans for the USA. What I can comment on, however, is how he will be perceived internationally. How world leaders such as Theresa May, Angela Merkel or Xi Jinping might respond when they find themselves face-to-face with a man who looks like a melted waxwork and speaks like a rejected Family Guy character. How people from other countries might feel about the USA when they see that its citizens have elected to its highest office a man who's been little more than a figure of fun for at least a decade. How no one will be able to remember his speeches because they will be too distracted trying to work out how hair can be semi-gaseous. Elect Donald Trump if you like, America. I have no right to stop you. But remember when you vote for him that you are voting for someone ridiculous. As in, literally the subject of ridicule.
With this in mind, I have compiled a list of potential candidates for 2020's election that are just as ridiculous as Donald Trump. I have also included with each one or two ways in which they have an advantage over Trump, and one or two ways in which they are disadvantaged. If I found out any of the following people were potentially going to be president of the United States of America I would not be more baffled than I currently am.
Kanye West
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| Glastonbury 2015, aka Kanyefest |
I love Kanye West. Seeing Kanye West at Glastonbury was one of the musical highlights of my life. I would be absolutely ecstatic to see President Kanye sworn into the Oval Office in 2020. Sure, some people might say that someone whose main professional experience is in the entertainment industry and in commercial business rather than politics is not qualified to be president. Some may also say that, although he is highly successful, Kanye is too unapologetically brash, flashy, and outspoken in his opinions to be taken seriously on a world stage. Remind you of anyone else?
Advantages: Despite bravado seems capable of empathy, might deliver some of his speeches in rap form.
Disadvantages: Mic-grabbing ways might not go down well at summits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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| By Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=20311496 |
Like Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger is mostly known for being on TV. Also like Donald Trump, Arnie looks like he's from another species that has tried dressing up as a human and has almost got it but something is still not quite right, something small and unidentifiable that you can't quite put your finger on, something that occasionally disturbs your thoughts in the early hours of the morning when sleep evades you and your mind sifts through the things you have seen that have unsettled you deep in your soul. Another overlap is that Arnold is a former Mr Universe, and Donald owns the Miss Universe pageant. Not that lifting exceptionally heavy things and looking good in a bikini are even remotely similar skills, aside from the fact that Donald Trump can almost certainly do neither.
Advantages: Actually has experience in a political office.
Disadvantages: Doesn't meet legal requirements to be president of the USA due to birthplace, surname is much longer and more difficult to spell correctly first time.
Liza Minnelli
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| By The Heart Truth - The Heart Truth Fashion Show 2008, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=4298391 |
If you told me Liza was running for president I wouldn't be that surprised. She seems like she cares about other humans, and she must be getting a bit bored since Arrested Development finished. Speaking of Arrested Development, spending so much time on a show about a self-absorbed and corrupt group of property developers and socialites must have left her well equipped to deal with the Trump dynasty.
Advantages: Has given a great deal of time and money to AIDS research, would bring some much-needed sequins to the presidential wardrobe.
Disadvantages: I'm not sure I 100% trust anyone who chose to have David Gest live in their house.
Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby*
The Simpsons in its prime is the best thing that's ever been on television. I am not open to alternative opinions on this matter. Springfield's "corruptus in extremis" mayor may have started life as a parody of Ted Kennedy, but these days his nepotism, shady business deals, offensive PR blunders, and penchant for women who are much younger and more beautiful than he is bring another aspiring political figure to mind.
Advantages: His joke writers are actually funny.
Disadvantages: Maintaining the presidency of this animated fictional character would require Matt Groening and Dan Castellaneta to be on hand at all times, and they probably have better things to do.
Gizmo the Cat
Gizmo rules my house, which leads me to believe that he would also be capable of ruling a country the size of a continent. Although he is considerably more handsome, he does have a few things in common with Trump, notably that he only cares about himself and thinks the women around him are beneath him.
Advantages: Has clear objectives (food) and a strong plan on how to achieve them (be cute until someone gives you food).
Disadvantages: Habit of biting anyone who tries to scratch his belly may cause major international incidents.
*No photo available as Fox are not what you'd describe as chilled when it comes to digital rights. I'm going to obey the law as I'm still secretly hoping this blog might go viral one day and I don't want any future book deals ruined by a breach of copyright.
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